I’m grateful I found peace in being me. via /r/gratitude

As far back as I can remember, I remember not wanting to be who I was. I didn’t want to be a girl.

I developed very early. I was wearing a size C cup bra in the second grade. I remember the other kids in school making fun of me—boys calling me names and treating me differently than the other girls.

I started my monthly cycle on my eighth birthday. Being that young, I had no idea what was happening to me. I didn’t have sisters, and my mom had a hysterectomy, so there was no introduction to what a period even was when I was growing up. Bleeding from there scared the crap out of me. I hid it and just threw my bloody clothes away. It took months before my mom realized she wasn’t seeing my underwear and shorts in the laundry anymore. That’s when she found out and explained to me that it was normal.

I didn’t want to be a girl. At all.

I remember using an ace bandage and wrapping it around my chest to press my breasts down so they’d be flat.
I remember picking out boys’ clothes when we’d go shopping. They were baggy and would cover my body. My mom insisted I dress like a girl, and I remember hating that.
I remember always having boys as friends and enjoying their company more than girls.

As I grew up, I took those memories and kind of explained them away as just being uncomfortable with developing so early.
That’s why I told myself I wanted to be a boy.
It wasn’t because I really wanted to be a boy—it was because going through the change from being a girl to becoming a woman felt so unfair to me at the time.
I mean—I was still a baby.

But still, I wonder…
Did feeling that way mean I was born in the wrong body?

I’ve always thought the female body was more attractive than the male body. I’ve never really enjoyed being intimate with a man—not in the way I imagine some women do. I enjoy pleasing my man, but when it comes to what pleases me, I’d rather not be touched in that way.
Does that mean I’m gay?
I know there are terms like “asexual” now—maybe that’s what it is?

All of these labels and options just confuse me now.

But here’s what I do know:
I’m glad I am who I am.
I like being me nowadays.
It took me a long time to get here, but I’m really glad I didn’t do anything drastic to change myself.

Because looking back now… if I’d had the freedom to be open about how I was feeling at that time…
I would be a totally different me.