Grateful he didn’t try and stop me via /r/gratitude

Before I decided to get sober I really hit rock bottom. I had a plan laid out to end my life. I planned it out for a very long time. I made sure that nobody would miss me by destroying everything. My daughters didn’t want anything to do with me anymore so that was the last piece of the puzzle. I moved away from everyone that I’d called family my entire life. Nobody was going to miss me when I was gone, let alone notice. This was all before I married my husband, it was like 4 years ago. I lived with him, convinced myself that he wanted me to leave. I was really in the depths of my addiction and felt like there was no way out other than to make sure that I was nobody’s problem anymore. I felt like I was his problem. Not his girlfriend. I gave him every reason to hate me. I believe he did. I convinced myself that he was just waiting for me to leave because he was too nice to kick me out. So his plan was to just wait. He worked a lot and I spent a lot of time by myself. I believed he only wanted me around because I was cleaning up and remodeling his house in town and his parents house out of town. His parents had died a few years earlier so it was still full of their stuff and was a mess. The house he lived in when we met was an even bigger mess and I was cleaning that up and fixing up the inside while he was at work all day. I truly believed that was the the only reason he let me stay. I kind of still believe it based on what all happened. I was so lost in this sickness of addiction that I spied on him as a way to prove to myself that what I was feeling wasn’t just me being crazy. I stuck a voice recorder in his truck and would listen to it every night once he got home. The things I heard were horrible. To this day I don’t know if I was just imagining that he said those things. But they were horrible. He Absolutely hated me and wanted me to move out. I confronted him about it and he denied it all. I let him hear the recording and he said he didn’t hear anything. But I was absolutely convinced. When I’d tell him I was going to leave he wouldn’t try to stop me. When I told him about my plan to check out of life he didn’t try and stop me. He didn’t even flinch. So I started finishing laying out my plan of exit. I truly had no where to go anymore. And I finally had gotten to the place where I knew nobody would miss me. A few weeks went by and when I was cleaning up his parents house I found some fentanyl patches that were left behind that were his mothers. He had already been up to that house and went though everything to separate what was throw away and what wasn’t so when I found the patches I convinced myself that he had left them for me to find. I was very open with my plans, told him every step I had already laid out. The last thing I needed was something to finish me off. Years before this I had researched the statistics on the most common ways people tried to off themselves and found out that those methods often left people alive but barely. Turning them into vegetables for their families to have to take care of. That was what I wanted to avoid, I needed a sure fire way to accomplish my goal. So when I found the patches I thought that he’d probably left them behind on purpose for me to find. They would be all I needed. It was perfect. Days went by and I set everything up, I found the perfect spot to lay down out in the woods. I picked out the perfect clothes so that the animals wouldn’t choke on any buttons or anything when the picked my bones. I had all of the things that I had brought into the relationship boxed up and ready to burn, it wasn’t much but I didn’t want to leave any trace that I had ever been there. I was completely open with him about it every step of the way. Told him I’d found what he left for me. He didn’t respond. I took that as a sign. I got the house ready, made up some dinners ahead of time to put in the freezer, did his laundry and folded it, burned my stuff, and said my goodbyes. I was hoping he’d try to stop me. I was praying he’d give me a reason to not do it even though I had spent so much time planning this all out. I spent my whole life just wishing someone would fight for me to stick around and the fact that nobody ever did was what convinced me that I needed to just be gone. He laid on the bed when I gave him the coordinates to where he could go get his car because I wasn’t going to be coming back. He didn’t stop looking at his phone. Didn’t flinch. Didn’t try and stop me. So I left. Went to the spot and started my walk to the tree line that I had picked out. I had my patches, my whiskey, my pills, and I’d been up for 3 days so in my mind it wouldn’t take long for me to drink the alcohol, pop the patches on all over my body, take the pills and fall asleep to never wake up again. I remember crying in the car banging the steering wheel “why does this hurt so bad when it’s all Ive been wanting??” Then as I dried my eyes and opened the car door to step out I heard people in the distance. Part of my plan was laid out so that nobody would find me. I didn’t want to be anybody else’s trauma story. I couldn’t do it now. I went back to the house a few hours later to find him asleep. I was at the end of what I could handle. I looked out the window and told myself that I had to do something or I was just going to end up repeating this over and over. So I decided to clean myself up. Pick myself up by my boot straps. I was the only person that could save me. I was the only person that could stop me. If he would have tried to stop me then I would just be in the same cycle. Me actively trying to push him away while praying he’d do something to keep me around. I feel like I was crazy for so long. I’m so grateful that he didn’t try to save or stop me because it taught me how to save myself. And that’s what I did. I’m sober, I’m healing, I’m alive, and I’m necessary. I wake up everyday with only one thing on my to do list – how can I make sure that I’m not anyone’s problem anymore. How can I be helpful. How can I be inspirational. How can I be what stops someone else from feeling the same ways that I felt for so long. I’ve never shared this part of my story with anyone. I’m grateful that I saved myself.