“Please and thank you” are reflective of an individualist culture. via /r/gratitude

I am a Taiwanese Canadian and have come into this conflict multiple times with my Canadian English friends. In Canada, Britain, America, etc, they say “please and thank you” a lot and consider it impolite to “command” something of anyone, including a friend or close family. Something as small as “pass the pen” can be considered rude, as in English you should say “Can you please pass me that pen? … thank you.”

However, in collective cultures such as Taiwan, saying please or thank you to a friend is overly polite and formal. It is seen as a way to create social distance, if you are mad at someone. Because if you are close friends or family, there is no need to ask or thank, as cooperation is assumed, and of course they will help you, as you will help them, because you care for each other. To use “please and thank you” would suggest that they may refuse, which suggests that you would refuse the same request.

I thought this was very interesting since many of my Canadian English friends find me rude. They consider politeness as equivalent to niceness. And if I request things without a social buffer of “please and thank you” I am being ungrateful.

I did some research about this, and found that 6000/7000 languages in the world do not have an equivalent word to “thank you.” Since in a collective culture, we work together in society. You do not need to thank me for helping you since of course I will. There is no word for an idea that does not exist.

In an individualistic culture, people say “please” which means “if it pleases you.” You should verbal gratitude because the person has chosen to help you. In my research studies also show that in cultures where people use verbal gratitude more, they are less likely to express gratitude in other ways.