Today, I am grateful that I was able to keep my mouth shut and let emotions just pass without creating harm with my words. via /r/gratitude

Last night, I met my wife out with her friends for a silent disco. They are something she and I discovered together a couple years back and have gone to fairly often since. My whole life I never danced except at Grateful Dead/Furthur/Dead&Company etc shows. To me, I feel good about loosening up over 50 to just go out and dance.

Anyhow, last night my wife pretty much ignored me and danced and talked with her friends. That’s truly fine but after a bit I did start feeling a little hurt and invisible. I tried to dance with her and basically was ignored only for her to then dance silly with her girlfriends.

It probably doesn’t sound like much but feeling invisible and unappreciated are triggers for me. I’m not sure why but they always have been. I have never needed to be the center of attention. I’m definitely not that kind of guy but when I feel invisible to people who are important to me I often experience multiple negative emotions from anger to resentment to self-loathing. After many years of meditation, I can see these emotions rise now and understand them. I know they are ephemeral and will pass. What I also know is that because of this I am wisest to just let them pass and not engage them by saying anything.

I know that expressing those feelings will only cause bitter feelings and take away from the fun my wife was having. I
never want to do that. She wasn’t doing anything wrong. It was just me and worrying about my insecurities and emotional ups and downs. So many times over the years, however, I have been passive-aggressive of selfish in these moments and spoiled her happiness and also made myself look foolish.

Last night, however, knowing these feelings would pass and that speaking would only create pain and distance between us and negative karma that would reappear down road, I kept my mouth shut. I minimized any facial display that would give my feelings away. When we got home I did a few chores downstairs while my wife got ready and got into bed. I did this to give myself even more time and space to keep my damned mouth shut. She dozed off and I did up some dishes. This gave me the space to keep from speaking words that would cure nothing and only cause sadness.

This morning, my negative emotions have pretty much left the scene as I knew they would.

Maybe for some this is simple and no big deal but, for me, my inability to just let feelings pass without speaking them out has caused so much hurt and impersonal distance over the years. I am a talker and sometimes that’s a benefit but when I’m feeling hurt or angry it can burn down entire forests of good karma previously achieved.

Last night was a small victory but waking up to a wife who’s not hurt or sad herself because I let free rein to my emotions is worth so much. Maybe, I’m finally growing up.