Turning 30- reflecting on 20s via /r/gratitude

19-24, my first years of adulthood, were some of the roughest years of my life. My best friend died.
I didn't have very many close friends because I didn't go to college right away- something I deeply regret. I went a year later and didn't make any friends even tho I lived in the dorms. I tried really hard but didn't click with anyone. I felt awkward, like I didn't belong. I got into a serious relationship from ages 20-23. He was older than me. The breakup destroyed me. It was long, drawn out, and triggered a bunch of old wounds. I spent the next year in a deep depression but I also made some of my best friends in that time. The pandemic hit 3 months after graduating college. It set back my grad school plans by a whole year. I did intensive group therapy. Did a heroic dose of mushrooms and became spiritual for the first time in my life. I ended up meeting a guy on Instagram and started a long distance relationship. I eventually started grad school in a different country. It was weird and lonely and disappointing but I met one of my best friends there. I moved back home after 2 years before finishing my degree because it was going so poorly. I got diagnosed with ADHD. I moved across the world and married the guy I met on Instagram and had a beautiful wedding with close friends and family. I finally finished my master's degree after 4 years.

My mental health is better than ever before. I have some truly great friendships that I value deeply, even if I live on the other side of the world now I keep in touch and go home 2 months a year. I'm living in a beautiful country that's totally different from my home country. I married a great man and my best friend. I have two beautiful cats. I feel more confident than ever before but I cannot help but morn my early twenties. Life in the US was good back then but I was not okay. I was depressed and traumatized by the death of my friend. I was extremely lonely. I was heartbroken. I was lost. I wish I could tell my younger self to relax and enjoy life. I had no idea how bad things would get in the US politically. The pandemic really scared me and I lost my peak social years I fear. I'm happy now but I'm a little bitter that the lockdowns hit right as I finally made friends and was healing from my breakup. I have more confidence in myself than I ever did before. I just wish I could hug my younger self. She had it really rough and I'm so proud and grateful of her for pushing through.

I hope to take what I've learned into the next decade and the next and the next. It was hard but I am grateful for the mentors I've had and the lessons I've learned. Adulthood isn't easy. There is no guidebook. But I am grateful for it all.